How to Please Your Valentine Vixen
February 2003

There are plenty of magazine articles designed to help clueless 
Romeos find the perfect Valentine's Day gift for their Juliet.  
But what should a fellow do when he's afraid that romance will 
serve more to piss off than please his independant lady?

Tip #1:  Just because she's female doesn't mean she likes chocolate.
Tip #2:  Steer clear of the obvious.  Flowers, candy, and a card were 
  cool in middle school, but your girl probably expects a bit more 
  effort by now.
Tip #3:  Gift certificates are something Grandmothers buy you when 
  they are tired of thank-yous accompanied by wincing.
Tip #4:  Never underestimate how a girl can build up her hopes for 
  this corporate holiday.  

Solution #1:  If she is into coffee, Starbucks makes a fine Cafe 
  Verona released just for Valentine's Day.  Also, remember that time 
  months ago when she mentioned her unnatural love for Swedish Fish?  
  Purchases based on casual observance are more likely to get you laid 
  than a Mixed Assortment of Russell Stover's.
Solution #2:  Call up Kripsy Kreme and ask when the Hot Donuts Now sign 
  is due to be lit.  Show up at her dorm with a box of fresh, hot glazed 
  and she'll know how much you care.
Solution #3:  Gifts that flatter are always a plus.  Let her know how 
  clever you think she is by checking the New York Times Bestsellers List 
  and then swinging by Barnes and Noble.  Added bonus:  the bestsellers 
  are usually on sale.
Solution #4:  Handwritten letters or mixed tapes are far more personal 
  than store-bought cards or CDs.  I know you know this, dear reader, but 
  I also know you are lazy and think she will be happy with anything. No 
  matter how alternative or anti-commercialism your girl is, she will melt 
  over a letter and tape.

If you are the type who learns by example, here is an account of my most 
memorable Valentine's Day.  A boyfriend of mine once led me to his car 
blindfolded and drove me to Kissimmee just to - well, kiss me.  Cheesy 
though it may seem, the effort and thought involved made it a fantastic 
gesture.